Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts

We(O)man

(Whatever)


Men: What should we have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why don't we have Mexican?
Women: No not Mexican, the last time I got pimples on my face
Men: Alright, why don't we have Szechwan cuisine
Women: Yesterday we ate Szechwan , today too?
Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood is not good, I got diarrhea
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women : Whatever..


(Anything)


Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching a movie? It's been a long time
Women: Watching movie is no good, it's a waste of time
Men: How about we go for bowling, or some exercises?
Women: Exercise on such a hot day?
Men: Then find a cafe and have a drink
Women: I am off caffeine
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: Anything


(You decide)


Men: Then do we just go home?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's take the bus, I will accompany you
Women: The bus is dirty and crowded.
Men: OK; we will take a cab
Women: Not worth it... For such a short distance
Men: All right, then we can walk. We can enjoy the weather
Women: I am hungry, can't walk.
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first?
Women: Whatever...
Men: What shall we eat?
Women: Anything..


(ANYTIME.)..

Men: At what time do I have to call you?
Women: Any time as u wish
Men: But last time when I call u in the morning u didn't pick up?
Women: I was sleeping.
Men: OK; when I try to call you around 11 am u didn't pick up?
Women: I was shopping with my mother
Men: So, when I try to call you around 2-3 u didn't pick up?
Women: I was tired and relaxing.
Men: Then what about 5 PM?
Women: I was watching a cartoon.
Men: So, then why didn't you pick u phone in the night?
Women: I was studying
Men: Ok then tell me which time is the most convenience time for you to talk.
Women: Anytime.

I CAN READ IT! CAN YOU

If yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too.
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe can.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod
aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor
of the hmuan mnid,
aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are,
the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit
and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos
not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
but the wrod as a wlohe.
Azanmig huh? yaeh and
I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!


Stumble It!

WHAT HAPPENS IN HEAVEN

I had a dream that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels.. My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, 'This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are received.'

I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world.

Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section.

The angel then said to me, 'This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them. 'I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth.

Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. 'This is the Acknowledgment Section,' my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed 'How is it that there is no work going on here?' I asked.

'So sad,' the angel sighed. 'After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments.'

'How does one acknowledge God's blessings?' I asked.

'Simple,' the angel answered. Just say, 'Thank you, Lord.'

'What blessings should they acknowledge?' I asked.

'If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the worlds wealthy.'

'And if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity.'

'If you woke up this morning with more health than illness .... You are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day.'

'If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ... You! Are ahead of 700 million people in the world.'

'If you can attend a church without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people in the world.'

'If your parents are still alive and still married ...you are very rare.'

'If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you're unique to all those in doubt and despair.'

Ok, what now? How can I start?

If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all.

Have a good day, count your blessings, and if you care to, pass this along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are.


ATTN: Acknowledge Dept.
'Thank you Lord, for giving me the ability
To share this message and for giving me so many wonderful people with whom to share it..

God is in joking mood

A man was praying to god.


He said, "God ?"


God responded, "Yes?"


And the Guy said, " Can I ask a question?"




"Go right ahead", God said.


"God, what is a million years to you?"


God said, "A million years to me is only a second."


The man wondered.


Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"


God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."


So the man said, "God can I have a penny ?"


And God cheerfully said,


"Sure!....... just a second ."

Pathan Joke

80,000 Pathans meet in the Peshawar Stadium for a "Pathans Are Not Stupid" Convention.


The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Pathans are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A Pathan works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds he says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.

Then 80,000 PAthans start cheering, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide
press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give him another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed,
looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the Pathan starts crying and the 80,000
men begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance-- What is 2 plus 2?"

The man closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 pathans jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream....

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

3 PARROTS............

3 PARROTS

A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present.
The next day he went to the pet shop and saw
three identical parrots in a cage.

He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?

The owner said it was Rs. 2500.
"Rs. 2500.", the man said. "Well what does he do?

"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk.
"He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters."

The man then asked what the second parrot cost.

The clerk replied, Rs. 5000, but he not only knows Office 2000,

but is an expert computer programmer.

Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The clerk replied, "Rs. 10,000."
Curious as to how a bird can cost Rs. 10,000, the man asked what this bird's specialty was.
The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything.
But the other two call him "BOSS"!!

Too much into technology!!!

Too much into technology!!!












And this is the best one


Pathan Joke :)

80,000 Pathans meet in the Peshawar Stadium for a "Pathans Are Not Stupid" Convention.

*

*

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Pathans are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

*

*

A Pathan works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?"

*

*

After 15 or 20 seconds he says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.

*

Then 80,000 PAthans start cheering, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

*

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide

*

press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give him another chance."

*

*

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed,

*

looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the Pathan starts crying and the 80,000

*

men begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

*

*

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance-- What is 2 plus 2?"

*

*

The man closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

*

*

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 pathans jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...

*

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE


Stumble It!

The Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.


The first man was an Engineer,

the second man was an Accountant,

the third man was a Chemist, and

the fourth man was a Government Employee.


To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'


T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.


Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.



But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'


Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.


Everyone agreed that was good.



But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'


Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured

exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.


Everyone agreed that was pretty good.



Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'


The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.'




CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......











ate the cookies........


drank the milk.......


sh*t on the paper.......





screwed the other three cats.......



claimed he injured his back while doing so.......



filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......



put in for Workers Compensation...............and




went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............












AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

Trust You Had Some Laugh 2

Three Construction workers are working on the 20th floor of a tall building in Bombay. One is a Mallu, the second is a Bengali and the third is a Sardar ji.

Every day all the three meet in the lunch hall and have their lunch together one fine day -

The Mallu opened his lunch box and finds idlis in the box. He says "I am fed up of eating these idlis daily. If I find idlis in the box tomorrow, I will jump from the 20th floor and die.

Next the Bengali opens his lunch box and finds Fish in it and says "If I find fish in my lunch box tomorrow, I am going to jump from the 20th floor of this building and die

Next the Sardar ji opens his lunch box and finds Parathas in it and says "Mother promise, if I find parathas in my box tomorrow I am also going to jump from the 20th floor

Next day the three friends meet in the lunch room for lunch. Mallu opens his lunch box and finds Idlis and promptly jumps from the 20th floor and dies.

The Bengali opens his lunch box and finds fish in it and jumps from the 20th floor and dies.

Sardar ji opens his box and finds parathas and he also jumps from the 20th floor and dies.

In the combined funeral held for all the three friends by their colleagues.

The Mallu's widow says "I did not know he hated idlis so much. If not I would have packed something else for his lunch"

The Bengali's widow says "I did not know he hated fish so much. If not I would have packed something else for his lunch

The Sardar ji's widow says "I do not understand what went wrong. My husband always prepared his own lunch....!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who is the father?

Shinu and Shanu were walking roadside. They find a boy crying, standing before a house. Shinu asks the boy, "Why are you crying?". The boy replies "My father is beating my mother.....hmmmm...". Shanu, with anxiety asks "Oh! How rubbish is your father. Beating a woman and that too his own wife... rubbish... rubbish... absolute rubbish....". Shinu, interrupting him, asks to the child "Ok my dear, why is your father is beating your mother... who is your father?"
The boy replies, "To know this only my father is beating my mother..."

Shinu and Shanu "!!!!!!!!!!!!#$%#@!#!$"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

She replies, "Ours is prettier."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father put his three year old daughter to bed,

Told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying

"God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye
grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing
todo."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and

listened to her prayers, which went like this:

"God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other
side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her
say,

"God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock.

He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his

office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the
clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the
day

he stayed there,

looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said

"I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of
my

life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what
happened

HERE.

He asked "What"?????? :0

She said "This morning our neighbour James suddenly died."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stumble It!

Smart Man & Smart Woman

Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy Dumb man + smart woman = affair Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and ove him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.


Stumble It!

Software Engineer And His Wife


Husband -
hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.


Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.


Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.


Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.


Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.


Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.


Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.


Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.


Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.


Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.


Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.


Wife - I will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.


Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.


Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.


Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer


Stumble It!

Trust You Had Some Laughs



Lady: Is this my train?


Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

Lady: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi .
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A drunkard was brought to court.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter ?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Little Susie came running into the house after school one day,shouting,
"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
' How long has what been going on?' said the man.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


!!..Trust You Had Some Laughs..!!


Stumble It!