- ► 2009 (30)
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the
cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear
and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both
ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andrew says I'm ugly.What
do u think,
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and
no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again
2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun
or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need
it but the sun gives us light only in the day time
when we don't need it".
3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
5) My father is so old that when he was in school,
history was called current affairs.
6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father
is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father
that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared,
past year's performance repeated".
8) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a
donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be
Student : "Brotherly love".
9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say
prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good
10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show
that nine out of ten people die of the disease you
have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others
11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married
on the same day and at the same time."
12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped
down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
Sardar: Doctor saheb Pehle se jyada kharab ho gayi hai.
Doctor : dawai khali thi kya?
Sardar : Nai doctor saheb. dawai ki shishi to bhari hui thi.
Doctor : Are Sardar ji mere kehne ka matlab hai ki, dawai le li thi kya.
Sardar : Ji, aapne dawai de di thi aur maine le li thi.
Doctor: Abe, dawai pili thi kya?
Sardar : Oho, nai doctor saheb dawai to lal thi.
Doctor : Abe GADHE, Dawai ko peeliya tha kya?
Sardar : Nai. Doctor, Peeliya to mujhe tha.
Doctor( in frustration) : Abe teri to, Dawai ko muh lagakar Pet me dala tha ki nai?
Sardar : Nai doctor saheb.
Doctor : Kyon?
Sardar : Kyonki dhakkan band tha.
Doctor ( in Fully frustration): Teri sale, to Khola kyon nai.
Sardar : Saheb, aapne hi to kaha tha ki, shishi ka dhakkan band rakhna.
Doctor : Tera ilaz main nai kar sakta.!
Sardar : Accha Doctor saheb ye to bata do ki main thik kaise hounga
Doctor : Abe teri ..............................
Girl: Tameez se baat karo.
Santa: Behan ji, kya aap mujhse shaadi karoge?
• Inspector to Santa: Faansi se pehle, bata teri aakhri ichha kya
hai?Santa: Mere pair upar aur sier neeche kar k faansi de do!
• Santa: I tried ur number so many times, it always said 'Switched
Banta: Nooo, it's my HELLO TUNE!
• Beggar: Oh sundari, andha hoon, paanch rupya de de.
Santa to his wife: De de, De de, tujhe sundari bola hai to har haal
main ye andha hai.
• Santa: Oye tera vyah ho gya?
Santa: Kuri naal?
Banta: Oye munde naal v hunda hai kya?
Santa: Haan... Meri bhain da hoya si !
• Banta: Jab main paida hua tha to military walon ne 21 topein
chalayeen thi. Santa: Kamaal hai ! Sab ka nishana chook gaya ?
• Santa meets his old friend.
Santa: A & B, A & B, A & B, A & B, A & B.
Friend: Oye, iska matlab?
Santa: Kuch nahin yaar, I mean long time no C.
• Phone ki ring baji. Santa: Phone mere liye ho to kehna mein ghar
pe nahin hoon.
Jeeto phone pe: Wo ghar pe hain.
Santa: Maine mana kiya that...
Jeeto: Phone mere liye tha!
• Santa to Banta: Main apna purse ghar bhool aaya, mainu 1000 Rs
Banta: Dost hi dost de kam aunda hai, le 10 Rs, riksha kar te purse
• Banta: Wo ladki deaf lagti hai. Main kuch kehta hoon, woh kuch aur
hi bolti hai.
Banta: Maine kaha I Luv U, to woh boli 'Maine kal hi Naye Sandal
• Santa to Jeeto: Kaisi sabzi banai hai, bilkul Gobar jaisa swad hai.
Jeeto, maatha peet te hue: Hey bhagwan! Na jane inhone kya-kya kha
ke dekha hua hai.
• Daku Mangal Singh Banta ke ghar mein ghusa aur bola: Sona kahan
hai, jaldi bataao
Banta: Pura ghar khali hai malko, jithe marzi so jao!
• A sweet girl goes to Banta's shop and said: Mujhe underwear dikhao.
Banta sharmate hue: Aaj pehan kar nahin aaya.
• Teacher: Pappu, describe digestive system of a human being.
Pappu: Very simple, it starts with right hand & ends with left hand.
• Santa: Tainu tairna aanda hai?
Santa: Tere naalon ta kutte changey ne jehre tair lende ne
Banta: Tenu tairna aanda hai?
Banta: Pher tere te kutte ch ki farak hai?
• Santa: Yaar meri aankhein dhang se nahin khulti, koi tarika batao.
Banta: Kisi din achanak apne ghar chale jaao.
• Santa: Ghar ka saara keemti samaan chhupa ke rakh do, mere dost aa
Jeeto: Kyon! Aapke dost chura lengey? Santa: Nahin, pehchan lengey.
• I can kiss u without even touching u.
Gal: U can't
Santa: Lagi 10-10 ki
Santa kisses her lips
Gal: Touch kar liya, touch kar liya
Santa: Aah lai 10 Rs
• Q: What do you call a man who can't hear anything?
Santa: Anything you want because he can't hear na!!!
• Santa: Oye, ladki dekh, kitni sohni hai.
Bata: Mujhe to uska naam bhi pata hai.
Santa: Kya naam hai.
Banta: Mein bank gaya tha, vahan yeh ek counter pe baithi thi, name
plate pe likha tha: Chaalu Khata
• Santa: What is the similarity between Bill Gates n Me?
Banta: Don't know.
Santa: Well... He never comes to my house & I never go 2 his!
• Girl: Will you love me after marriage also?
Santa: This depends on your husband, if he allows me.
• Jeeto to Santa: Stop looking at girls, u r married now.
Santa: U mean if I am on diet, I can't look at the menu also?
• Santa to Banta: Name 5 animals living in the water?
Banta: 1 Frog.
Santa: Theek hai hor das?
Banta: Frog da praah, bhen, piyo te maa.
• Banta: Meri biwi mujhe chod ke chali gayi.
Santa: Tu uska khyal nahi rakhta hoga.
Banta: Arre yaar, Sagi behan ki tarah rakhta tha.
• Santa drinking heavily in bar gets up n farts loudly. Man next 2
him: Excuse me, but u just farted before my wife.
Santa: Sorry, I didn't know it was her turn
• Santa: Qutub Minar kahan hai?
Pappu: Pata nahi.
Santa: Kabhi ghar se nikla karo.
Pappu: Ram Lal kaun hai?
Santa: Pata nahi.
Pappu: Kabhi Ghar me bhi raha karo.
• Nurse- Congrats: Apke jurwa bete hue hain.
Santa: Ye to hona hi tha.
Santa: Jab dekho KBC PART-2 dekhti rahti thi, Mil gaya na UMEED SE
• Santa talking on phone.
Banta: Kis se baat kar rahe ho?
Santa: Biwi se. Banta: Itne pyar se...?
Santa: Tumhari hai.
• Santa: I'd like some Vitamins for my son.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C ?
Santa: Any will do as my son doesn't know the albhabets yet.
• Santa's son: Mere papa bahut darpok hain.
Banta's son: How?
Santa's son: Jab bhi road cross karte hain to meri ungli pakad lete
hain aur kehte hain ki chodna mat.
• Gal: I think the poorest people are the haapiest.
Banta: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest.
• What's an adult joke?
Santa: Any joke which is eighteen years old.
• If u call ur mother as MUM what'll u call mother's younger sis &
Santa: Minimum and Maximum
• Santa kissed his girl friend in the park. Girl: Plz ye sb shadi se
Santa: Don't worry darling, I'm already married.
• Santa: Main aur meri girlfriend shaadi kar rahe hain.
Banta: Wow, Kab?
Santa: Meri 7 Dec ko aur uski 13 Jan ko.
• Pappu: Dad what's Sex?
Santa gets tensed but explains everything.
Pappu: But dad how do I write all that in this small box of school
• Santa: Is operation se mujhe kuchh ho gaya to isi doctor se shadi
Jeeto: Aise kyo kah rahe ho?
Santa: Doctor se badla Lene ka yehi 1 rasta hai!
• Interviewer: Aap kisi MAHILA mein sabse pehle kya dekhte hain?
Santa: O ji, wo is baat par depend karta hai ki woh aa rahi hai ya
jaa rahi hai?
• Santa eats 8 Butter Naan at a party and is suffering from
Praying & crying in Toilet: Hey Wahe Guru...Ya toh JAAN nikal de, ya
NAAN nikal de.
• Santa went to a museum where he broke a statue.
Officer: U have broken a 5000 years old statue.
Santa: Thank God, mainu lagga nava si…
• Santa: Mein Shimla ja raha hoon, jate hue raaste mein biwi ko khai
mein dhaka de doonga.
Banta: Yaar meri bi le ja, use bhi dhaka de dena.
Santa: Theek hai, agar tu bura na maane use vaapsi pe dhaka de doon?
• Baniye shayar ne arz kiya.
Moorkh tha Shahjahan jo kar gaya kharcha itna TAJ par Kambakht,
Har din ek nayi Mumtaz aa jati us kharche ke BYAAZ par.
• Santa-Bus stand jane k kitne paise?
Rikshawala: 10 Rs
Santa: 2Rs mein chalega to theek hai
Rikshawala: 2Rs mein kaun le k jayega?
Santa: Peeche baith main lekar jata hoon.
• Santa: Mere mummy ne kal murga banaya.
Banta: Kinu, tenu ke tere bapu nu?
• Master: Kaka tenu pata hai ki teri umar wich Gandhi Ji, BA kar
Santa: Sir tuhadi umar vich Bhagat Singh faansi v chad chuke si.
• Santa's father gave him a gun on wedding night & said: Fire in air
if ur wife is virgin, shoot her if not.
Santa fired in air 1st night & shot her 2nd night.
• Boss: I'm giving u driver's job. Starting salary Rs. 3000, is it
OK ? Santa: U R great sir! Starting salary is Ok but how much is
• Santa & Banta were looking at Egyptian mummy.
Santa: Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case. Banta:
Aaho, lorry number is also written... BC 1760 !!!.
• Failure is not when your girlfriend leaves U. It's only when U
send her virgin. -Swami SexaaNand.
• Banta: What do you call a wife who is beautiful, intelligent,
understanding, caring, never jealous and a great cook?
Santa: Niri Afwah !!!
• Santa to wife: Did u hav any boy friend before marriage?
Wife remain silent.
Santa: Main is khamoshi ko kya samjhu?
Wife: Bewakoof ginan tan de.
• Santa Radio lekar POTTY karne gaya.
Banta: Aaj toh mazey se ki hogi ?
Santa: Khaak mazey se ki, radio par Jan-Gan-Man aa gaya, khade-khade
• Teacher: Asman me udne wali chiz ande deti hai, jamin pe rahne
wali bache deti hai. Kaun hai jo Asman me udti hai par bachche jamin
par deti he?
• Santa: Dr. saab, I'm suffering from loose motion.
Doc: Kinni ku patli aundi hai?
Santa: Dr. saab, samaj lao ke tusi us naal Grare kar sakde ho !
• Banta: Life ko kaun zyada achhaa bana sakti hai, Girlfriend ya
Santa: WIFE. Bas, honi kisi aur ki chahiye!
• The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in
She called on him and said, "Pappu! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "Cartoon Network, Ten Sports,
Discovery Channel and Pogo!"
• Santa: What's the name of ur car?
Banta: I don't know but it starts with "T"
Santa: Kamal hai yaar teri gaddi tea nal start hundi hai, apni te
Petrol nal start hundi hai.
• Santa, Banta & Bobby were going on a motorcycle. Policeman gives
hand to stop.
Santa shouted: Oye pagal, pehle hi 3 bethe hain tu kahan baithega?
• Jeeto: Doctor ne mujhe ek mahine ka aaram aur kisi Hill station
par jaane ko kaha hai, hum kaha jayenge?
Santa: Kisi Dusrey Doctor ke paas!!!
Pappu: Dad, main itna jawan kab banunga k main mummy ko bina bataye
ghar se bahar ja sakoon.
Santa: Beta, itna jawan to aaj tak main bhi nahi hua...
• Santa bought a car on loan... He didn't pay the dues, the bank
took away his car.
Santa: If I knew this, I'd have taken a loan for my marriage also!
• Banta mujra dekhne gaya, sari raat mujra dekha.
Bai ne kaha: Sahab humne aap ko khush kiya, ab aap hume khush karo.
Banta utha or khud nachne laga..
• Teacher: Aisi kisi jagah ka naam batao jise banaya to aadmi ne hai
par fir bhi wo wahan par ja nahi sakta? Papu: LADIES TOILET!
• Banta was driving his car in a zigzag fashion on d road. Traffic
inspector stopped him.
Banta: I'm learning car driving.
Inspector: Without d instructor?
Banta: Correspondence Course!
• Jeeto: Ek baat batani hai, par plz muje marna nahi.
Jeeto: Mein Pregnant hu!
Santa: It's a gud News.
Jeeto: Shadi k pahle pitaji ko bataya to bahut maar padi thi.
Letter is from Banta Singh of Punjab to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft
Subject: Problems with my new computer
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some
problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.
2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he ran up to Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.
3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I
find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
4. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' find'
button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
5. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?
6. I brought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?
7. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.
8. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.
9. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?
10. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God shake please do not
provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
Last one from me to Mr Bill Gates :
Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS?
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