Laughing Zone: Stress Management

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Wonderful Definitions

School:

A place where Parents pay and children play .

Life Insurance
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse:
A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills .

Marriage
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters...

Divorce
Future tense of Marriage.

Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine water power...

Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either" .

Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary :
A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father:
A banker provided by nature..

Criminal:
A person no different from the rest
....except that he/she got caught.

Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician :
One who shakes your hand before elections and
your Confidence after .

DOCTOR:
A person who holds your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic:
Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight .

Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher:
A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise.

Newton & Sultan Rahi

Newton & Sultan Rahi

Once, Newton came to Pakistan and watched a few Lollywood movies that had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logic and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologized for everything he had done.

In the movies of Sultan Rahi, Newton was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid. Here are a few scenes

1) Sultan Rahi has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can't be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our great Sultan Rahi is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured!
Long Live Sultan Rahi!

2) In another movie, Sultan Rahi is confronted with 3 gangsters. Sultan Rahi has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet and a knife. Guess, what he does? He throws the knife at the middle gangster? & shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces, which kills both the gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & the knife kills the middle one.

3) Sultan Rahi is chased by a gangster. Sultan Rahi has a revolver but no bullets in it. Guess what he does. Nah? Not even in your remotest imaginations. He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Sultan Rahi opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun. Bang... the gangster dies...

This was too much for our Newton to take! He was completely shaken and decided to go back. But he happened to see another movie for one last time, and thought that at least one movie would follow his theory of physics. The whole movie goes fine and Newton is happy that all in the world hasn't changed. Oops, not so fast!

The 'climax' finally arrives.

Sultan Rahi gets to know that the villain is on the other side of a very high wall. So high that Sultan Rahi can't jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Sultan Rahi has to desperately kill the villain because it's the climax. ( Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible?) Sultan Rahi suddenly pulls two guns from his pockets. He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached above the height of the wall, he uses the second gun and shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air. The first gun fires off and the villain is dead.

Newton commits suicide...

THINGS YOU DONT KNOW ABOUT DREAMS

Blind People Dream

People who become blind after birth can see images in their dreams. People who are born blind do not see any images, but have dreams equally vivid involving their other senses of sound, smell, touch and emotion. It is hard for a seeing person to imagine, but the body's need for sleep is so strong that it is able to handle virtually all physical situations to make it happen.

You Forget 90% of your Dreams

Within 5 minutes of waking, half of your dream if forgotten. Within 10, 90% is gone. The famous poet, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, woke one morning having had a fantastic dream (likely opium induced) – he put pen to paper and began to describe his "vision in a dream" in what has become one of English's most famous poems: Kubla Khan. Part way through (54 lines in fact) he was interrupted by a "Person from Porlock". Coleridge returned to his poem but could not remember the rest of his dream. The poem was never completed.
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree:
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.

Curiously, Robert Louis Stevenson came up with the story of Doctor Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde whilst he was dreaming. Wikipedia has more on that
here . Mary Shelley's Frankenstein was also the brainchild of a dream.

Everybody Dreams

Every human being dreams (except in cases of extreme psychological disorder) but men and women have different dreams and different physical reactions. Men tend to dream more about other men, while women tend to dream equally about men and women. In addition, both men and women experience sexually related physical reactions to their dreams regardless of whether the dream is sexual in nature; males experience erections and females experience increased vaginal blood flow.

Dreams Prevent Psychosis

In a recent sleep study, students who were awakened at the beginning of each dream, but still allowed their 8 hours of sleep, all experienced difficulty in concentration, irritability, hallucinations, and signs of psychosis after only 3 days. When finally allowed their REM sleep the student's brains made up for lost time by greatly increasing the percentage of sleep spent in the REM stage

We Only Dream of What We Know

Our dreams are frequently full of strangers who play out certain parts – did you know that your mind is not inventing those faces – they are real faces of real people that you have seen during your life but may not know or remember? The evil killer in your latest dream may be the guy who pumped petrol in to your Dad's car when you were just a little kid. We have all seen hundreds of thousands of faces through our lives, so we have an endless supply of characters for our brain to utilize during our dreams.

Not Everyone Dreams in Color

A full 12% of sighted people dream exclusively in black and white. The remaining number dream in full color. People also tend to have common themes in dreams, which are situations relating to school, being chased, running slowly/in place, sexual experiences, falling, arriving too late, a person now alive being dead, teeth falling out, flying, failing an examination, or a car accident. It is unknown whether the impact of a dream relating to violence or death is more emotionally charged for a person who dreams in color than one who dreams in black and white

Dreams are not about what they are about

If you dream about some particular subject it is not often that the dream is about that. Dreams speak in a deeply symbolic language. The unconscious mind tries to compare your dream to something else, which is similar. Its like writing a poem and saying that a group of ants were like machines that never stop. But you would never compare something to itself, for example: "That beautiful sunset was like a beautiful sunset". So whatever symbol your dream picks on it is most unlikely to be a symbol for itself.

Quitters have more vivid dreams

People who have smoked cigarettes for a long time who stop, have reported much more vivid dreams than they would normally experience. Additionally, according to the Journal of Abnormal Psychology: "Among 293 smokers abstinent for between 1 and 4 weeks, 33% reported having at least 1 dream about smoking. In most dreams, subjects caught themselves smoking and felt strong negative emotions, such as panic and guilt. Dreams about smoking were the result of tobacco withdrawal, as 97% of subjects did not have them while smoking, and their occurrence was significantly related to the duration of abstinence. They were rated as more vivid than the usual dreams and were as common as most major tobacco withdrawal symptoms."

External Stimuli Invade our Dreams

This is called Dream Incorporation and it is the experience that most of us have had where a sound from reality is heard in our dream and incorporated in some way. A similar (though less external) example would be when you are physically thirsty and your mind incorporates that feeling in to your dream. My own experience of this includes repeatedly drinking a large glass of water in the dream which satisfies me, only to find the thirst returning shortly after – this thirst… drink… thirst… loop often recurs until I wake up and have a real drink. The famous painting above (Dream Caused by the Flight of a Bee around a Pomegranate a Second Before Awakening) by Salvador Dali, depicts this concept.

You are paralyzed while you sleep

Believe it or not, your body is virtually paralyzed during your sleep – most likely to prevent your body from acting out aspects of your dreams. According to the Wikipedia article on dreaming, "Glands begin to secrete a hormone that helps induce sleep and neurons send signals to the spinal cord which cause the body to relax and later become essentially paralyzed."

* When you are snoring, you are not dreaming.
* Toddlers

do not dream about themselves until around the age of 3. From the same age, children typically have many more nightmares than adults do until age 7 or 8.
* If you are awakened out of REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep, you are more likely to remember your dream in a more vivid way than you would if you woke from a full night sleep

Know Your Personality From Trees

Classic Definitions & Cool Meanings:

Classic Definitions & Cool Meanings:

1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

3. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

4. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that
everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is
defeated by feminine water-power ..

9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life...

15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

18. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor
degree and a woman gains her master degree.

19. Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be
spoken of when dead.

21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in
midway "See I am not injured yet."

24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

26. Father : A banker provided by nature.

27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest...except that he got caught.

28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

30.. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with
his bills.

31. Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such mails

Funny Killer English

Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigarette... ? "

************ ********* ***

Class teacher once said :

" pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"

************ ********* ***

once Hindi teacher said...."I'm going out of the world to America.."

************ ********* ***

"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."

************ ********* ***

don't. laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....

************ ********* ***

it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said

" why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)

************ ********* ***

teacher in a furious mood...

write down ur name and father of ur name!!

************ ********* ***

"shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college"

************ ********* ***

My manager started like this

"Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids"

************ ********* ***

"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board

************ ********* ***

"will u hang that calendar or else I'll HANG MYSELF"

************ ********* ***

LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"

************ ********* ***

Chemistry HOD comes and tells us...

"My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"

************ ********* ***

Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father

************ ********* ***

"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!"

************ ********* ***

Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code..

"I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??

************ ********* ***

Seeing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class..

"Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"

************ ********* ***

One liners -- Hidden meanings

Today's Professional Management FUNDAS

1."We will do it" means "You will do it"

2."You have done a great job" means "More work to be given to you"

3."We are working on it" means "We have not yet started working on the same"

4."Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means "Its not getting done "At least not tomorrow!"

5."After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views" means "I have already decided , I will tell you what to do"

6."There was a slight miscommunication" means "We had actually lied"

7."Lets call a meeting and discuss" means "I have no time now, will talk later"

8."We can always do it" means "We actually cannot do the same on time"

9."We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means "The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."

10."We had slight differences of opinion "means "We had actually fought"

11."Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means "Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"

12."You should have told me earlier" means "Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"

13."We need to find out the real reason" means " Well I will tell you where your fault is"

14."Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected," means, "Well you know..."

15."We are a team," means, "I am not the only one to be blamed"

16."That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it"

17."All the Best" means "You are in trouble "

21 Steps for happy life

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their
conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.

FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't
have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way
to live life completely.

TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN! .. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer,
smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great
risk.

FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and
Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to
correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your
voice

TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.

Life is like that

There are 2 people always next to you:

1 - The M (Manager), giving a pleasant smile every time he sees you.

2 - The TL (Team Leader), busy in scheduling work for you..... And busy in his world

And In between its YOU, who struggles with all the WORK...?!!

The perfect picture is given below...... {Team leader --- YOU --- Manager}

SCROLL DOWN

Team leader YOU Manager

Bapu's advice for professionals

"Agar koi tumhari salary na increase kare, tumhe promotion na de,
tum kam karte raho....
sirf kam hi nehi zada kam karo.......
promotion ki ummed na karo.......
Dekhna, Uski aatma ek din jaroor jaagegi.
Aur vo tumhe salary hike aur promotion zaroor dega"
Aur agar fir bhi koi salary hike aur promotion nahi mile ,
to uske paas jana, use ek Guldasta dena..... aur Vinamrata se kehna........

I am resigning
and
GET WELL SOON MAMU

Love and Marriage

Love and Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is cuddling on a sofa..
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early..
Marriage is going to sleep early.

Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.

Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".

Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"

---
***

Types of Man. ..

Before Finding a Girl - Spiderman....

After Finding his Girl - Superman....

After the Engagement - Gentleman.....

After the Marriage -

Watchman....

10 years After Marriage -Doberman.

*

*

20 Rules in any office

Rule 1. - The Boss is always right

Rule 2. - If the Boss is wrong, see rule 1.

Rule 3. Those who work get more work. Others get pay, perks, and promotions.

Rule 4. Ph.D. stands for "Pull Him Down". The more intelligent a person, the more hardworking a person, the more committed a person; the more number of persons are engaged in pulling that person down.

Rule 5. If you are good, you will get all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

Rule 6.. When the Bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

Rule 7. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you are going to do.

Rule 8. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Rule 9. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Rule 10. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

Rule 11. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it...

Rule 12. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Rule 13.. Following the rules will not get the job done.

Rule 14. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

Rule 15. Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous" .

Rule 16. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

Rule 17. You can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work you are supposed to be doing.

Rule 18. In order to get a promotion, you need not necessarily know your job.

Rule 19. In order to get a promotion, you only need to pretend that you know your job.

Rule 20. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

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